I measure my time in life by who I was interested in at that time. These are the “relationships” I have been in in chronological order to the best of my ability. Each “relationship” is represented with a relic from the actual person.


#1

3/5/2005

2 cards, 2 envelopes

He was my first boyfriend. We used to drive around and blast music with all the windows open no matter the weather. I remember his left arm was more tan than his right because he always had it hanging it out of the car. His hair was long and he drove a truck. We used to be mall rats. I broke his heart and tore it to shreds.

 

#2 

?/?/2006

acrylic letter E

this was my friend’s friend who I instantly had a crush on. I remember painting his nails in the arboretum and watching Finding Nemo together. It was the first person I had sex with naked. I’ll never forget he kissed my forehead and from then on I was mislead to believe we were more than just “friends with benefits”. 


#3

?/?/2007

3 notes, 2 letters, 2 postcards, unsent letter, golfball, surf wax

He was my high school boyfriend. Before we started dating he was the quiet kid. We went on a trip to New Hampshire and there was a skylight above the bed. We slept in the same bed; that was a big deal back then. I broke up with him because he hugged another girl.


#4

10/4/2009

handwritten "coupon", museum ticket, 2 concert tickets, movie ticket, ice skating ticket, 2 cards, envelope, photograph, tweety bird, hair

My roommate freshman year was video chatting with a friend from home and I sort of butted into the conversation. I added him on Facebook and we became friends. After we spoke for weeks I decided to go on the school’s New York trip to meet him. I took a taxi to Penn Station because he was traveling from New Jersey. We walked to central park and spent seven hours talking and walking around. He moved to Boston for school and we started dating. After we broke up I shaved my head a la Britney Spears. If I had ever experienced love it was with this boyfriend.

 

#5

6/?/2010

bow from birthday banner, doodle, necklace with glass pendant

She was my first girlfriend. We lived together. Our first kiss was while watching the movie The Secret Window. We used to eat cookie dough out of the sleeve and Nutella out of the jar in her bed while watching Sex and the City and Weeds. I bought her a sunflower. She refused to hold my hand at the mall because she was embarrassed. She can't sleep without white noise. She loves turtles. We broke up, and she kicked me out of the house.

 

#6

2/18/2012  okcupid

styrofoam heart

On our first date we sat in a café near Downtown Crossing and made a venn diagram. My name was on one side and his was on the other. Where the circles met one of the things we had in common was “hates milk”. The second time I saw him I met him and his friend at a pizza place. His friend called me fat after I bought them a pitcher of PBR. I took the green line train home crying. 

 

#7

2/22/2012  okcupid

San Pellegrino lid

He was drunk when we met. He worked at Legal Sea foods. When I went to his apartment his roommate was only wearing a fur coat and panties. I gave her a lucky rabit's foot. 


He told me this wild story; it’s the same one on his profile:


When I was a kid there was this old golf bag in my shed that belonged to my deceased grandfather. Big golf fan, unlike my parents, so in the shed it always remained, 12 months a year, never disturbed save the summertime when my dad would murk the shit out of these wasp nests that grew right above it with a stick and some Raid. Anyway, I was like 10 or some shit, so Christ knows I had nothing better to do than explore every orifice of my parents property, including (but certainly not limited to) the shed, and said golf bag. I went to unzip one of the side pockets, which was a difficult task since it seemed to be covered in molasses/glue/semen, or something of similar gross stickiness. It was worth it though because lo and behold, there was legit like twenty bucks worth of loose change in that pocket, which when you apply the ten-year-old-little-kid exchange rate is the equivalent of finding $200 now. It was awkward when I'd buy bags of Lays since all the change felt like it had been rescued from an old jar of spit (the poor cashiers), but anytime I wanted candy or chips for the next few years or so, I was all set. I'll never forget the day I reached in and only found golf pegs and 80's dirt in there though. In fact, now that I think of it, I believe that was the day that I became a man.

 

#8

2/27/2012  okcupid

not shown

He was kind of young and not entertaining enough for me but he did have a pet ferret. He kissed my forehead and we watched The Walking Dead. I hate zombies.

 

#9

3/17/2012  okcupid

not shown

We went to my friend’s apartment for a gathering. We got drunk and made a bed out of two couches put together. The queso dip was still out when we woke up.

 

#10

3/23/2012  okcupid

not shown

I traveled to his apartment in Boston from Beverly. We watched The Life Aquatic and he offered me some whiskey. He was so classy that he used whiskey stones to keep his drink cold. But he wasn't that classy because he did teach me how to tie a noose. Also, he had a stuffed broccoli; I’m not talking about food; I mean, he had a plush broccoli.

 

#11

3/27/2012  okcupid

not shown

He lived in his parent’s basement. He owned all of the Twilight  movies. On his coffee table there were bloodstains and a drawing of The Human Centipede. He showed me a bunch of machetes and I asked to leave.

 

  #12

3/31/2012  okcupid

3 Magic The Gathering cards, Marauder’s map from Harry Potter

Him and his friends came to pick me up at my apartment and we went to a bar. He was the first guy in my life to buy me a drink. It was an apple martini. I’ve never had one before and I never had one after. He asked me to be his girlfriend at the end of the night and I spontaneously agreed. We hung out for 23 days in a row. His confidence was disgusting to me. For some reason when someone is so nice I think there is something freakishly wrong with them. One day we went geocaching, which is a international scavenger hunt for these little treasure boxes, I was yelling at him because he was climbing shit and I thought he was going to fall. While I was yelling he found the treasure and I was pissed. I broke up with him over breakfast in Salem because I thought he was too nice.

 

#13

4/27/2012  okcupid

50 Rupee note

We were very briefly on and long-ly off a number of times. The day we met was the first time I vomited from drinking alcohol. The second time we met he took me to a park to watch the stars. There were too many bugs so we left. 

 

#14

5/28/2012  okcupid

not shown

I met him while he was working at a sushi restaurant. He texted me to meet him out back and I went to give him a hug. I gave him a bumper sticker that said something about being a viking on it. He told me there were "no sparks" when we kissed and he never spoke to me again.

 

#15

6/13/2012  okcupid

not shown

We texted for months before we finally met. I think he was a plumber. He took me for a drink at Gulu Gulu in Salem. He was obsessed with Charlie Chaplin. He had a bunch of freckles and wore suspenders when we met.

 

#16

9/4/2012  okcupid

keychain, boxers, ET, zine

We met at D’Angelo’s (his choice) and I immediately felt like he didn’t like me so I figured I’d not try for this date. I remember when we were done with our food he said “what should we do now?” and I suggested we go walk around Salem and Beverly so we went. At my apartment I asked him to put on my pink tutu and he didn’t hesitate to do it. We laughed on my porch about my roommate’s giant owl yard decoration. We shared the same humor and I found myself not having to try for attraction. It became a thing every Tuesday for him to come over and we would order Chinese food— always chicken wings that we now would forever refer to as “mummy hands”. We took a road trip and ended up in three states in one weekend and slept in the maid’s quarters at some hotel along the way home. The first and only time I hiked was on this trip— I yelled “I’m too fat for this” the entire way up but was silenced at the sight of a waterfall. After disappearing for three days i decided to break up with him. 

 

#17

11/30/2012 okcupid

not shown

I met him at the graffiti wall in Beverly. That already made it a bad date. He was painting something ugly. He let me use a can of spray paint and I just wrote some nonsense on the wall. After he was finished we drove to get milkshakes and then hung out at my house. 

 

#18

7/16/2013 okcupid

not shown

When we met we only spoke for about five minutes and then he passed out on my floor because he was trashed. I went through his phone and FaceTimed his friends. Eventually they ended up coming over and removed him from my house.

 

#19

7/23/2013 okcupid

not shown

We met outside one of the shitty bars everyone goes to in Allston. Everyone I was with was coked out or drunk and started yelling at him because he was wearing a tucked in button down shirt with a tie. He was studying to be a lawyer. That was his excuse. After I left I texted him that he was "rapey" and I didn't want to see him again.

 

#20

8/28/2013

birthday card, 2 tshirts, a pair of pants, cigarettes

Why did he try to slow dance with me in the kitchen? I watched him light some girl’s cigarette from across the street and heard him tell her “pretty girls don't light their own cigarettes.”

 

#21

9/18/2013 okcupid

cat pin

My roommate and I visited him at his work about four times. He worked at the shitty piercing place in the mall. I bought this pin. We never met outside his job and without my roommate.

 

#22

9/20/2013 okcupid

corncob pipe

I’d always go to his little studio apartment and stay for hours— I was so nervous every time that I wouldn’t be able to break my nervous silliness. He serenaded me with Ain’t Missbehavin’ on piano and he taught me how to “play” the upright bass. I took this corncob pipe thinking I would be able to transform it into a kazoo. After asking him to define what he wanted we never saw each other again. I noticed on social media that he proceeded to date only women with bangs after me. 

 

#23

10/27/2013 okcupid

leaf pieces inside poison ring, religious DVD

We met in Salem during the Haunted Happening event. We stood and watched a man preaching about Jesus for a couple of hours. We walked around looking for somewhere to charge my phone and we ended up sitting on the ground outside a store. I used the outside outlet and we talked while I tore up a leaf and arranged the pieces in various shapes. He kissed me before his mom picked him up. After that he told me he didn't feel anything from kissing me so he knew we wouldn't work. This is the second person to tell me this. 

 

#24

12/2013 tinder

event wristband

He said “I hope you like PBR” and bought me one. I couldn’t hear anything he said the entire night but I nodded and smiled politely.

 

#25

3/5/2014 tinder

receipt

I took the train into Boston and met him at a café on Boylston Street. We sat in the back and hung out for three hours. I was supposed to go home and feed my dog. Our original plan for a first date was to get matching emoji tattoos so we didn't label this as a date. The next time we met was in Beverly. He wore a neon yellow puffy jacket. I took him into my school to show him the printing presses and then hung out at my apartment. I think we kissed but maybe only because I felt like it was a thing you were supposed to do sharing a couch with someone.

 

#26

2018 tinder

starburst wrappers

We started messaging each other and realized we lived within a couple blocks from each other and he offered to bring me chicken tenders which I politely declined because of my gluten sensitivity. He agreed to meet the next day at a coffee shop down the street. I got there early to make sure he didn’t hear my decaf order because *who pays for decaf?!*. He walked in —more like stumbled in— and tripped down the stairs but made it look sort of like the Willy Wonka steps scene. We hugged and he went to get a plastic cup to fill with water. I asked him if he drank coffee and he said “no”. I felt like an idiot being insecure about my decaf order because I also don’t drink caffeine. He passed me a notebook and asked me to write in it - just anything. We had already come up with a bunch of jokes so I wrote a little story


#27

2018

This was my brother’s friend. I knew him from before. My brother and I decided to have a BBQ one summer night in Brooklyn. I asked this guy about his super memorable website so I could use his person for mine. 


#28

I swiped right on him because I could immediately tell he was Italian from his name. We messaged each other and realized we lived on the same street— without saying the number I suggested we should each go outside and yell to see if we could hear each other. It turned out that we were 3 brownstones away from each other. It started to rain and we walked a couple blocks to a dollar store to grab a lighter. He had a super heavy Italian accent and spoke really fast about Brooklyn and why he left Italy. He waved to all of the cashiers at the bodegas along the way. Even waved to the tailor named Amadou who always insisted on cooking me fish after he’d take in my pants. A couple months after meeting I learned he had to go back to Italy because he couldn’t get work here. 


I ended up going to Italy to visit family and contacted him. He met up with my brother, cousins, and I in Naples. 


After returning home— #4 went to Italy and I suggested he also meet up with this guy because they were very similar and shared the same taste in music as well as their humor and now that I think of it they are VERY alike. They ended up hanging out three times during his visit and had a great time.